9/25/2005 03:01:00 a.m.|W|P|Susan|W|P|One of the things that I had been looking forward to was shopping in Canada. In Europe it is very difficult to find trousers that aren't super low and tight. There is plenty of that here too, of course, but at least you have more choice. I went to a shop and tried on a pair of jeans. I liked them. They were a bit big around the waist, but that's the way jeans usually fit me. When I came out of the changing room the salesperson said, "I bet those are really comfortable, right? But they are way too big." I tried on a size smaller. They were really tight across my backside and thighs, and if I were to have a big lunch, they would no longer fit. Cue raves from salesperson. I was so furious that I was almost in tears, and about 15 minutes later I was in tears. I was so annoyed and outraged. It is just sick that the standard has become, "You're comfortable in that, and feel good in it? No no. Let's squeeze you into something a size smaller that will make you feel self-conscious and slightly overweight." I hate that. A couple of days later I was in one of the many book superstores in Toronto. These are normally some of my favourite places, but for the first time I just felt overwhelmed. It felt like there were too many books and magaines - too many words, too many ideas, too much chatter. Too much energy, paper, and money spent on ... words. I love books, a lot. Books can change the way people think and feel. Books can change lives - there are certainly books that have changed my life. I love books. But it was somehow too much, and that felt very strange. Last week I had to go to yet another government office. My mistake was in being too honest. If I hadn't gone in in the first place, I would still have my health card. Now, despite the fact that I have payed income tax the whole time I have worked overseas, the rules say that I have been gone too long and am not staying here long enough. I wanted to get my surname changed in the interests of getting all my records updated at the same time. But if I had just done nothing, it would have been much better for me. So the government isn't doing a great job of rewarding honesty... Lots of things are a bit too much just now.|W|P|112761108920879224|W|P|Too annoying, too big, too honest|W|P|susan@carlens.se9/22/2005 05:29:00 p.m.|W|P|Susan|W|P|Last Friday. On the subway, on our way to meet my dad. Just as the train was pulling in to our stop, I heard a voice say my name. A good friend was on her way to work just then. We had time for a quick hug and an "I'll call you." That might be the first time I have ever bumped into someone I know on the subway like that, completely at random. That evening, at the baseball game. Huge stadium; 36000 people there that evening. After a couple of innings I see a familiar face - she and I were housemates in England for a while and she lives in Oakville (west of Toronto). Unbelievable! I screech her name in a most undignified manner and we chat very briefly. What are the odds?! Those meetings on that day were such a clear reminder to me that Someone knows and cares about the details of our lives, our ways and means and meetings. We are not left on our own. By the way, the baseball game was amazing. It was the first time my husband had seen baseball live, and it was a wild one. The Blue Jays led 3 - 1 after the first inning, but were down 11 - 3 by the end of the fourth. We all thought, that's it, good evening friends. The Yankees fans were oh so pleased. But the Jays clawed their way back, held the Yankees runless for the rest of the game, and lost 11 - 10. Wild! There were stolen bases, including a Yankee double steal, an umpire tossing out the pitcher in the second inning for questioning his call, and two balls that were hit so close to where we were sitting that we had plenty of time to just watch them sail on down towards us. There was a father and son from New York sitting in front of us, and cheering (and then apologizing a bit) for the Yankees. The father spoke next to no English; when the Jays were rallying we heard 'Dios mio!' several times. It was also Japanese night, and there was a well-known Japanese sports commentator translating all the commentary into Japanese. There were quite a lot of Japanese fans, and some beautiful signs in Japanese - including one which was, I suspect, saying good things about Hideki Matsui but had added in English, 'but the Yankees suck'. There were some drunken and obnoxious fans; a Toronto guy made an impassioned suggestion that the Yankees fans should shut up and go home. And every time a certain Yankees player came up the chant of 'Steroids! Steroids!' began. Most eventful and really good fun. A two-run homer in the bottom of the ninth to win it for the Jays would have made it perfect.|W|P|112740347427488145|W|P|Unexpected meetings, part two|W|P|susan@carlens.se9/22/2005 05:24:00 p.m.|W|P|Susan|W|P|Last Thursday. At the Bible study, standing in a room with 200 other women. Feeling overwhelmed. I met two friendly people while waiting in line for cake, which helped a lot. At the end of the evening, on the way out, I ran into a friend who I had lost touch with a few years ago. We were delighted to see each other. Since she is at home with her two small children just now, she invited me most warmly to pop in anytime. It's amazing the difference that that made. I do understand that everyone has busy lives, and jobs, and Toronto is a big city. But that contact made my day.|W|P|112740285776864903|W|P|Unexpected meetings|W|P|susan@carlens.se9/11/2005 03:48:00 a.m.|W|P|Susan|W|P|It has been hearbreaking to read and watch accounts of what has been happening in Louisiana and Mississippi, and particularly in New Orleans. How quickly the veneer of civilization disintegrates. How quickly my veneer of 'togetherness' disintegrates as well. This past week or so we have been looking for a place to live here in Toronto. Last Saturday we looked at a wonderful place. The guy told us to call back on Monday or Tuesday if we wanted it. By the time I called on Tuesday the place had already been let. (Fair enough.) My universe is so fragile right now that this news sent me into a real tailspin. Despite an amazing 11th hour solution to sub-letting our apartment in Sweden, all of that seemed to disappear. 'Oh me of little faith.' Cue a teary 24 hours. Drat. (Not 'drat' the tears; tears happen and that's fine.) I unravel so easily, over so little. Other people unravel as well. This does not negate personal responsibility. Sometimes life comes crashing in and it is, once again, obvious that it all hangs by the thinnest of threads. It does, and it doesn't.|W|P|112640611070825704|W|P|Unravelling|W|P|susan@carlens.se9/05/2005 10:02:00 p.m.|W|P|Susan|W|P|A friend of mine used that phrase a few days ago; I hadn't thought about it in ages. It is an apt description of her life at the moment, and just as descriptive of mine. It is good to be back in Toronto, but it has been many years since I have lived here for any length of time. This will be a longer than usual visit, but with a set departure date: 13 January 2006. I have just finished a job that meant a lot to me, with an organization I have worked with for ten years. I can't yet imagine what life on the 'outside' can look like - what my life can/should/might look like. I am in the wood between the worlds, trusting that Aslan will show me which pool I should jump into next.|W|P|112595054114396349|W|P|The wood between the worlds|W|P|susan@carlens.se